The Secret Diary of Celebwen
by Celebwen
Summary: Silly little thing inspired by Lord of the Rings and my crazy friends. PG: I curse at the hobbits and it's slightly suggestive. This is my first fanfic so please review!!!


I suppose this needs a disclaimer…well: I don't own Middle Earth or Rivendell or any other locations. I also don't any of the names, other than Celebwen, Andunemir, and Alkredwen, and the song isn't mine either. It all belongs to Tolkien and I'm just borrowing.  
  
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The Secret Diary of Celebwen  
  
Day one  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
O! What are you doing, and where are you going?  
  
Your ponies need shoeing! The river is flowing!  
  
O! tra-la-la-lally  
  
Here down in the valley!  
  
O! What are you seeking, and where are you making?  
  
The faggots are reeking, the bannocks are baking!  
  
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly  
  
the valley is jolly,  
  
ha! ha!  
  
1 O! Where are you going with beards all a-wagging?  
  
No knowing, no knowing what brings Mister Baggins,  
  
And Balin and Dwalin  
  
down into the valley  
  
in June  
  
ha! ha!  
  
O! Will you be staying, or will you be flying?  
  
Your ponies are straying! The daylight is dying!  
  
To fly would be folly, to stay would be jolly  
  
And listen and hark  
  
Till the end of the dark  
  
to our tune  
  
ha! ha!  
  
Sorry diary, that was stuck in my head all day. Arwen seemed a little sad today so I gave her my purple pen. My green one looks better anyways. Emerwen and Alkredwen and Andunemir have all come to visit in Rivendell. Huzzah! To bad their little entourage came too. Ah well, mores the merrier!  
  
Day two  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Someone stole my green pen!!! That annoying ball of hair and metal (Gibbet? Gummy? G-something) has decided to follow me (I'll bet he stole my pen!). I curse the fell fates that led him to the last Homely House!!! But Boz is chasing Alkeredwen and at least Gimlet doesn't bite. Perhaps Uncle Elrond should tie them up outside…  
  
Day three  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Discovered that dwarves can gnaw through metal today (my poor gilded chain…I was forced to hide behind Uncle Elrond!) and that Andunemir can conjure popcorn. And it comes in Elvin flavors, like tree bark and margarita! Emerwen says she has been promoted to Gatekeeper of Mirkwood! Huzzah! Merry said they should celebrate with a bath, but he got a black eye for that one…  
  
Legolas is coming tomorrow (was coming with Emerwen but got lost picking flowers…)! Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!!!!!!!! Might have to share him this time… but no matter, as long as I remove Gunny. I shall ask to rent one of Alkredwen's closets (is she a Maiar? How else can she create a path to the Void?!) Off to pick strawberries now!  
  
Day five  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Shoved Gilly into the Closet of Eternal Darkness and ran to welcome Legolas to my chamber, er, I mean home. Almost beaten by Andunemir, but shoved her into a tree (I don't think that will ever grow back straight…) We had a great feast and afterwards, we all took a trip to the Hot Tub. I brought out my strawberry bubble bath, Alkredwen had scented candles, Andunemir busted out her discothèque, but Emerwen swore off strawberries so she brought apple juice. Amongst the merriment, Alkredwen was assaulted by Boz, who jumped in fully clothed (at least he wasn't naked!) and tried to wash her. She pulled, from her handy-dandy hammer space, a wonderful sword, which she promptly use the flat of to knock Boz senseless, and threw him out of the tub. We later discovered that Merry was beneath the foam at the bottom of the tub, wearing one of those breathing-thingies from Star Wars.  
  
Day six  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Was strolling with Uncle Elrond today and noticed Gimpy following us. I thought I signed a three-week contract… well; maybe I'll just kill him one of these days. Aragorn has been hanging around a lot lately, and I fear Uncle Elrond is getting depressed. The gang is going to get him an exquisite robe (who just said dress?!?! I'll kill you!!!!!!!!!!) and I shall give him a new tiara, one much better than Arwen's. We will give them to him tomorrow at breakfast (first-not second)  
  
Day seven  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Uncle Elrond is soooooo happy now! Huzzah!!! We took a lovely stroll and counted all the waterfalls in Rivendell (actually, I lost count after two hundred and thirty-six point seven). Tied Gillnet to a tree and buried him under Andunemir's popcorn. I realize he will eventually eat the popcorn and gnaw through the ropes, but I have a bet running with Emerwen and Alkredwen. After our walk, the five of us (me, Alkredwen, Emerwen, Andunemir, and sexy, delicious-I mean Legolas) went and dug a hole, and taunted Boz, and buried him up to his neck! Merry and Pippin were sent to get carrots on the other side of that reeeeealyyyyy wiiiiiiiiide chasm across the reeeeeelyyyyyy deeeeeeep and swiiiiiiiiiift river so we should all be problem-free for thirty-two hours. I shall write more when someone gets back.  
  
Day eleven  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Turns out we were without harassment for several days! Not much other than carousing and whenching and drinking and singing. What fun! But Legolas very tired…  
  
Day twelve  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Everyone is back. Stupid Boz tried poetry on Alkredwen. Who does that human think he is? Elendil?! The hobbits stole all the carrots in the valley so we had a football game, and all the while, Emerwen staged a formal protest against 'cruelty to hobbits'. I knew she had to be a hobbit-fancier at heart! Stole Arwen's mascara and rouge, and left them innocently in Uncle Elrond's dresser drawer…I hope he likes them!  
  
Day thirteen  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Am getting very scared. Ginet has been chasing me more and more lately, and asking how to spell things like 'exasperating' and 'entrancing'. I hope Uncle Elrond doesn't mind my clinging to him all the time… in other news, Emerwen has gone to visit the Ents. Only to drop by for a 'hi', as it will take them a week. Andunemir also gone to get me more peppermint schnapps- flavored lembas. Must get to Lorien more often (but you practically drown in skittles!)  
  
Later:  
  
IF THAT STUPID DWARF ASKS ME ONE MORE TIME TO PLAY 'HIDE THE HELMET' I'LL KIIIIIIIIIIIILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE CARROTS?!?!?!?!?! AND MY STRAWBERRY BUBBLEBATH?!?!?!?!?!?! IF SOMEONE DOESN'T START EXPLANING, THE HOBBITS ARE TOAST!! NICE, BURNT TOAST!! NICE, BLACKENED, BEATEN TO A PULP, BURNT AND STOMPED ON TOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Many days later…  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Everyone but Uncle Elrond disappeared for a while, but I think I made Alkredwen deaf in her left ear (oops…)! Legolas has now left to return to Mirkwood with Emerwen (lucky shepherdess) but Celeborn and Galadriel have come for Uncle Elrond's birthday. He is four thousand, six hundred and twenty two today! We had a lovely party, and then sent him to a spa in southern Eriador. Arwen is off with that filthy human again (sorry Alkredwen!) so I RULE THE HOUSE!!! Yessssssss!!! Have sent messages to all the gang 'for I have a cunning plan' (please excuse the Black Adder joke…)  
  
Day seventeen  
  
Dear Diary:  
  
Everything is set for my Cunning Plan. All we have to do is nab Legolas and we're set!  
  
1.1  
  
1.2 So ends this portion of the diary of Celebwen, the Silver Maiden of Rivendell  
  
(Please see 'fun with the fellowship' by Elven Labyrinth for the rest of my Cunning Plan!) 


End file.
